I needed that slap of happiness

I've been having very pessimistic ideas about friendship in the past few months. I guess it was the loneliness at college that got to me? I don't know. But as I told Kip, I've been really blase about my high school friendships. I held a very loose, nonchalant attitude. I felt like I honestly wouldn't have cared if I lost contact with some of my friends. I've found how untrue that is. I have a lot of fun with them. And I see that they value my friendship, and that makes me feel horrible about how flimsy my commitment to them is. I feel like a jerk. I really do love my friends. They are one of a kind.

My fun day:
Bowling, Dinner, Monopoly. Awesome.

During our playdate, I reverted to my old just-keep-smiling/grinning quiet self. I hate that. Why can't I be more candid with my friends? I wouldn't say I was shy. I was just restraining myself again. I'm trying hard to break that external facade. I really want to stop being afraid that they might think I'm stupid. That's not doing myself or them a favor. I'm not having as much fun with them as I could, because of my stupid self-consciousness. Ughh. Help me!

Thursday I will see all my sweetheart buddies again. I need to learn to be a better friend. I've realized that as college students now, friendships seem much more tentative and impermanent. I feel that partly, it's because we're away from our comfort zone of friends, family and familiarity, but also because campus is so large and impersonal. I don't talk to anyone I met in class. At least I don't maintain friendships with them. But back to old friends, being dealt these friendship-testing obstacles, just means that we have to try harder and make actual attempts at keeping friendships. Perhaps bonds are weakened--(I am so tempted to make a Chem analogy right now)--but that just means we have to overcome the repulsive forces. (Guilty.) Those forces being the miles that physically separate us, the college-induced changes that personally alter and create certain barriers between us...

It took this to make me realize that I am lucky enough to have friends who want to see me. I shouldn't have had to, but I'm glad that I was slapped. I'm glad I had that moment's feeling of jerky ickiness. I needed it.