Today was a pretty nice taste of my quarter. I hope to be much more active and not as procrastinative this quarter... I guess procrastinative is a word, since the computer did not underline it!!
So last night, I got called into work. 9a-1p. Otherwise, I wouldn't have had class until two. Wait a minute. It's not underlining any of my words! Dang it.
Anyways, I found a drawback to my perfect schedule. Everything is so packed in that I have no time, no breaks between to do anything… Such as completing the simple task of going into Westwood in order to buy my course reader—which I really need! I have crazy reading for my Soc class on Wednesday.
Just the other day—actually, I guess it was just yesterday. Felt like a much longer time ago. Today was a rather long day. But just yesterday, I went into Westwood—CVS and Rite Aid—bought some beauty/health products—one of my 2009 lifestyle changes being to take better care of myself, especially my skin—I strolled and, as I usually do when I’m alone and have time to think, thought about all the times recently where I noted to myself “I should jot this down before I forget” and then I never do it. Fleeting thoughts lost. I love those moments of enlightenment, but they are so short and really fleeting. They fly by. I forget them easily, even though for the moment that they keep me occupied, I go into deep critical thinking mode. It’s rather tragic to lose those insights.
Fleeting thoughts—that was one thing I was going to write about. I guess just to remind myself how sucky it is that I FORGOT to write about specific incidences of fleeting thought… That’s rather ironic.
Umm. Yes. So today, I went to my first lectures for Public Policy and Sociology. So far I’m loving them; but I’m also intimidated by them. Some interesting insights on myself dawned on me in both classes.
I have always loved the theory behind policy and Humanity and Reality…But I’ve always been too scared to act on my passion. Public Policy scares me the most, because that is all about ACTION. I’ve loved seeing how people react under certain conditions and in various situations. But I’ve never been one to ACT myself. I am scared of decision-making…but that seems to be what I want to do when I venture into a career. Eventually I want to be either an Editor or a Public Administrator. Or if I work hard enough; am ambitious enough; am bold enough; am PASSIONATE enough, perhaps I will achieve those goals…Simultaneously!
But the point is, I’m scared that I love something that I am scared of…and I love it so much...and I’m scared of it so much. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to grow some balls.
I’ll be vomiting a lot of ideas today. Which is appropriate, as I have not written for a long time. I should practice writing more; but I guess it’s already too late, because Soc has already begun, and that would be the class I’d have had to practice for. Updating my thoughts on a daily basis became kind of a drag. And it dawned on me today in Public Policy why. It was an obvious reason that just never manifested in my head; the idea was latent—needed that little nudge from my professor to finally show itself in my mind. He talked about the tradeoff between deft of field and focus. This is true in every aspect of my life. And I hate it. I wish I could Grasp and Know Everything. I want Natural Science, I want Art, I want Social Science, I want Deftness in Language.
But it’s not possible. There’s simply too much in the Universe for any one speck of a human to embrace Everything.
Same goes for my writing. I want to write everything down. But it becomes too overwhelming. And I have this crazy idea that If I can’t write Everything down, might as well not write Anything down. I don’t want to be partial toward which of my ideas to record. I don’t want to be Selective…More importantly, I wouldn’t know how to be Selective. I am a terrible decision maker. I can’t choose when given options.
Breadth overpowers me. Overwhelms me. Scares me. Belittles me.
I think this fear comes from a standard I imposed on myself. That I want to know everything. Because I am curious. I want to know everything and be good at everything. I know I have flaws in my character and in concretely REAL things. But I believe that in actions and skills, EVERYONE can be good at EVERYTHING if they try at it. If they put effort into it. But I guess I must now revise my perspective to EVERYONE can be good at ANYTHING if they try at it. I guess that ANYTHING must necessarily be narrowly-tailored—it can’t be too broad, so definitely can’t be EVERYTHING. Which is a sad fact I am now learning to accept as the norm. No one can do everything. Reminds me of Raskolnikov and his Superman complex. My ego was once pretty strained. It was hard striving for something unattainable. I was never a competitive person. Or at least I never let myself be. I just wanted to do things and be good at things for myself. I am disappointed when other people are better, because I feel like Everyone has the POTENTIAL to be the best as long as they practice and try. I don’t know. It’s a really complicated way of thinking that kind of dominates me.
I think to sum it up though, I think a lot of Self. I think a lot of myself, because I think a lot of everyone else. I have high expectations. I believe in Humanity and I think that everyone CAN be good if they have the right mentality. I’m all about potential. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Nourish potential…I believe it. I’m just too lazy to do it. Am I scared of it? Makes sense according to Deborah Tannen, that females shrink at success.
And in Soc, we talked about Reality. I agree with Everything that was said. Those have been my ideas since I thought about existentialism. I’m so excited about studying these ideas that I’ve actually been in love with since Eighth Grade, yet I am so scared of it. I am so scared because I feel like it’s kind of common sense, because I’ve known these things for so long. They don’t seem hard to me. It’s definitely a different discipline than Natural Science. I felt like I was competing in Science classes. But I’m thinking now in my Social Science classes. For some reason, we are conditioned to believe that Champions prevail only in Competition. So one feels and is often looked down upon in the Social Sciences as intellectually inferior and B-grade. Not as “smart” as hard scientists. As one who reveres both Natural and Social sciences, I hate the perspective differences on those two integrally important fields. Many people “downgrade” from Natural to Social Science. It’s a really nasty perception… to say someone “downgraded” from a harder-to-grasp to an easier-to-comprehend major. I guess to some extent it is true that natural science is a harder discipline…to get an A in. But what is a grade?
I would say that sometimes I feel ashamed to say that I neglected my Natural Science, even though I still hold a bunch of love and passion for learning it. I’m ashamed because of the social perception associated with “dropping” the hard sciences for social science. The perception sucks. And I suck for getting sucked into it, even though my views do not follow that Norm. But in my own defense, if the whole world thinks that, how can one NOT be influenced and swayed by majority opinion? Look at the world order. Social scientists versus medical scientists. Prestige. It’s not something that I need, or necessarily want. But I at least would like respect for what I do. People hate policy, because most of the time, the Public Interest (which the policy I’m interested in dictates) overrides the individual. Taxes, for example. But taxes go toward Public Good.
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