Worst feeling of anxiety

I've never felt this way before. Purposely venturing into something I wasn't even average at.
Ideally, I should be studying for my Math and Chem finals right now, especially as I really lost motivation for those classes. Math I think I've totally lost motivation for. Chem, I think I have an appreciation for, but I'm just not good in it at all. I did below average on both of my midterms. I'd have to ace the final for a B. The hard sciences, the rationalist-realist-agnostic that I am, as much as I admire them for being the proof rather than unfounded theory in the explanation of life, those are just subjects I find I am no good in. And it really pains me. I really want to be somebody to excel and love what they do. In my future, a career in science would absolutely not add up for me.

The only reason I decided to venture into public health was because it was a mix of science and humanities. I still want to work in government, and it would be nice to be able to work in such a department as public health, or something else related to social work, but I really don't see science in my future as a career. I am beginning to understand the signs. Why I always got B's and below in the hard sciences, but A's in the social sciences. I really liked the idea of having a BS and a BA, but it just doesn't work out that way. I still would like to double major and perhaps double minor, but I don't think I will be getting a BS after all. I'm not cut out for science, mentally. Science is in my philosophy of life, I guess. It's just not in my lifestyle.

In the library today, I tried relentlessly to study for my finals. I failed. I wrote some feelings down with a purple pen. Word for word, I transcribe. Misspells, grammar errors and all:

It's hard to be one of five children in a Chinese family in America. I'm saying now, that, though I've ignored thinking of being pressured to do well, I only now understand what I've brushed off as my own desire to do well to, in actuality, being a direct result of externally induced pressure. It's not that it was a coerced said pressure. It was more tacit and understood. My oldest sister was the object of jealousy and envy by my 2 middle sisters. Look at her--perfect grades, perfect behavior--a parent's wet dream. Chinese parents, mind you--the type who don't have wet dreams and with their highest of expectations, would have been hard to please. At a younger age, I saw the special affection my parents gave to their eldest, and though my parents never pressured me to do well in school--they actually probably thought I was a dunce, for almost failing kindergarten--but I pressured myself. My want of their affections pressured me into wanting to do well to get the grades. It is that selfish affection-whore sentiment in me that actually helped to evolve my current state of independence. My insistence that--"No, I'm not doing this for my parents, I'm doing it for me, for my future, to quench my incessant thirst for knowledge." Though rather admireable, I think at the time, I was just more of hiding my weakness, weakness that I had given into their pressure, not outwardly directly, but inside, in the back of my mind, it was always an truth I tried hard to deny. Up to college, I realized just now, my cowardice. I've played it cool, hoping everyone would grow jealous of my self-induced ambitions, but they were all rooted in the fact that I wanted my parents to love me. When I heard about public health, it was the only career to fit the bill--fit my desires to venture public sector social work in government, and fit my mom's desire for me to work in the medical field. Biology does fascinate me a great deal, but I honestly don't think the sciences as a whole is as big a draw for me, that it could have pulled me into medicine. I love philosophy & life, and social organization and I was a coward to have ented UCLA an undeclared Life Sciences major and almost have wanted to do MIMG. Surely, I am so fascinated by DNA and genetics...but I wonder if its for me. I'm not that good at it and I certainly want to be a useful person when I get older...So should I continue on that path and become a quasi-useful person, or veer into a new direction with the social sciences. I've decided to give LS a chance next quarter. If I like it, I'll stick. If not, I jump boat before it's too late.
Of course, I was talking about academics. Morality and behavior, I still am adamant that I was my own force in my beliefs. No. I guess not. Media is and I'm sorry for that. But I'll explain that another time.

Signed 6/1/08 3:23 pm @YRL


I don't know if I'll give LS a chance. I might drop Chem. And I'm seriously considering completely bowing out of BS-pursuing. That ironically makes sense both ways. Bye. By the way, in the beginning, I specifically mentioned Chinese family in America, because I do think it is harder to be Chinese in a non-Chinese country than in China, because of the social culture. Chinese parents need their children to succeed in respectable careers, so as to save face. I hate "saving face". It's the most superficial thing about Chinese culture. In every society, there are those at the bottom. In Chinese society, there are those at the bottom. In multicultural American society, there are those at the bottom, but Chinese are determined not to dwell among those at the bottom. I'm not saying failure is an option, but there is particular emphasis on being among those at the top. So much so that it gave me severe anxiety and sleeplessness just right now, even though I was exhausted during the day and hadn't slept. This is a part of my research. To examine the Chinese culture in ways that deters labor unionization.

I'm feeling so scared right now, and I really want to drop chem and focus my attention fully on pursuing and Anthro and Comm Studies BA with minors in Civic Engagement and Urban Planning. I am really excited to tell my mom that I am cutting loose from Science. It's not for me. And it took me all day of intense thinking today to find that out. I feel like I wasted a large portion of this year. But I'm going to look at it as fulfilling non-major reqs and indulging in a inquiry of interest in the sciences... Though I would have selected to enroll in LS rather than Chem to indulge my science-inquiring mind.