Public Service

Before I get into the serious stuff, I just want to recap my day. It was really fun.

What was supposed to happen:
Take the Spirit Bus, meet Kip at Atlantic Square, take the 260 to Old Town, play & go to the concert.

What happened:
I called my mom midway down Cliffhill to tell her where I was going, she was tempted so she offered to drive us to Pasadena--I didn't mind, it was sweltering heat, and you save some bus money for another trip--I headed back home to wait for her and tried frantically to call Kip to tell her the change of plans;
we accompany my mom on her shopping trip at Paseo Colorado--Reference, Gossip (GORGE fuschia dress), Loehmann's;
we leave her at Loehmann's and then cross the street to eat at Subway's--$5 sub! Great deal.
We walk down to Old Town to the concert, but are way late and miss it. I felt so out of place amid rockers & indie-lookers. It smelt of smoke, very gross. And I only imagine how much evaporated sweat was in that air; I mean that crowd was eeeewge!
Walked out, couldn't find Anus. Shopped, went into the usual-suspect stores.

That was the day. I impressed my mom with my bus knowledge, though I would believe I am still an amateur; I want to get expert. That is a good skill to have, especially considering the direction which the world is veering--I would believe that we would all live in high-density, vertically-developed homes in the near future and take mass transit as these gas prices are slowly weaning us off of our total dependence on the gratifying sensation of independence that personal vehicles afford us. I'm selling her the idea that buses aren't all that bad; so far, she's buying. She wants me to bus her to Pasadena one of these upcoming days. I'm happy.

On the concept of buses, it's helped change my perspective. It's given me the conviction that I don't exactly care much for profit anymore. The fact that I like to be cheap--yes, I like it--is because I hate impracticality. Why spend more money on something, when you can economize and get it for cheaper? That's what goes on in my head. And, Is it worth it? So, it's not that I'm stingy, in the sense that I'm not willing to spend, but it just depends on what and whether I value it. I've only barely realized that this is the way I think, and this is the way I want to think. To not be a consumer--I don't want to be bound by the Market Economy. I don't want to be a consumer who follows trends and buys what Corporate wants me to buy. I want ME to want, not ELSE to want for me. And I want to think of the value of something before I invest in it. I will pay the appropriate amount--appropriate as decided by myself--for the matched value I place in the product/experience I want to buy.

Not always thinking of profit, or who gets the better deal out of the deal, but thinking of investment. I've always wondered how Metro operates, Why would they operate if they don't even make money? And the answer may be clear to most people, but to me, it was a non-thought for the longest time. The Metro is a public service! Gas prices go up, but the only situation that would force Metro to raise fare prices, is in order to relieve the County's budgetary burden! Metro does not operate at a profit; rather, tax-payer money goes into providing this public service.

I've always wondered--there are drivers, and I'm sure the daily ridership does not cover their salary; on top of that filling up the tank and actually buying the vehicles--How do they do business? They don't!

Now, I'm serious about a future in Public Service. I want it to happen for me. I'm proud that I'm maturing in my way of thinking such things. I'm not a consumer so I am stopping thinking of What can it do for me at a cost to him? Because that is so selfish! Public good. That's my goal.

Hillary out; math final; labor report

A lot of stuff to do. Big announcement today, Hillary has officially conceded. The media was out to squash her from Day One. It really sucks. But I also think her campaign and her reputation got botched up a bit, controversial statements, mostly the media trying to turn race into an issue, and I guess eventually, it did become an issue. And her, being so sure of her win at the beginning--I think everyone was sure of her win in the beginning. Illusions. Obama ran a pretty clean campaign. He didn't even have to squeak. And when he did, everything that came out was pure eloquence. So I guess that totally won over the caustic stuff that spewed from Billary&camp's mouths. I am proud I was a Hillary supporter. No regrets. Just now, gotta jump boat and cross on over to Obama. This week has been a week of crossovers--BS to BA, Hillary to Obama. Both of them seem to be "what makes sense" to "hope." Science, making sense in that it is the crux of Logic; Hillary, making sense in that she had more experience, and logically, should have been the candidate. I guess BA and Obama are both a little loose, go with the flow type thing. I'm glad about that. Very positive, unpredictable, I guess. There's not just one way to go about it.

Tomorrow's my last math final. I am really hoping last "just-one-way, right or wrong" type final I have to take. I've always seen schooling as flawed in that everything is so objective. Now, pursuing a BA, I will be much happier. I will be able to exploit my analytical skills. I still love science, and sometimes wonder if I am doing the wise thing. I love social science much more than hard science, but I will love hard science without end. It's just so essential to understanding life. I really look forward to being able to take classes as a hobby. For fun. But I do want a government job. Administrative type.

So after my final tomorrow, I want to remap my 4 year plan. I have to make some notecards or something, to study for Anthro, get ready to go to ELAC on Monday. And do labor report! I should read my classmate's and write the peer review. That'll be a drag though. I hate peer-review. Never anything useful that comes out of it. I guess that's it. Time to study for math. I want at least a B. Which means C for the final will do, hopefully. Good thing for that cushioning from the easy midterm. But I hope he doesn't make the final 10x harder. He doesn't seem the type though. Even though my Professor sucks at teaching, he makes it pretty easy for you to get a good grade.

Worst feeling of anxiety

I've never felt this way before. Purposely venturing into something I wasn't even average at.
Ideally, I should be studying for my Math and Chem finals right now, especially as I really lost motivation for those classes. Math I think I've totally lost motivation for. Chem, I think I have an appreciation for, but I'm just not good in it at all. I did below average on both of my midterms. I'd have to ace the final for a B. The hard sciences, the rationalist-realist-agnostic that I am, as much as I admire them for being the proof rather than unfounded theory in the explanation of life, those are just subjects I find I am no good in. And it really pains me. I really want to be somebody to excel and love what they do. In my future, a career in science would absolutely not add up for me.

The only reason I decided to venture into public health was because it was a mix of science and humanities. I still want to work in government, and it would be nice to be able to work in such a department as public health, or something else related to social work, but I really don't see science in my future as a career. I am beginning to understand the signs. Why I always got B's and below in the hard sciences, but A's in the social sciences. I really liked the idea of having a BS and a BA, but it just doesn't work out that way. I still would like to double major and perhaps double minor, but I don't think I will be getting a BS after all. I'm not cut out for science, mentally. Science is in my philosophy of life, I guess. It's just not in my lifestyle.

In the library today, I tried relentlessly to study for my finals. I failed. I wrote some feelings down with a purple pen. Word for word, I transcribe. Misspells, grammar errors and all:

It's hard to be one of five children in a Chinese family in America. I'm saying now, that, though I've ignored thinking of being pressured to do well, I only now understand what I've brushed off as my own desire to do well to, in actuality, being a direct result of externally induced pressure. It's not that it was a coerced said pressure. It was more tacit and understood. My oldest sister was the object of jealousy and envy by my 2 middle sisters. Look at her--perfect grades, perfect behavior--a parent's wet dream. Chinese parents, mind you--the type who don't have wet dreams and with their highest of expectations, would have been hard to please. At a younger age, I saw the special affection my parents gave to their eldest, and though my parents never pressured me to do well in school--they actually probably thought I was a dunce, for almost failing kindergarten--but I pressured myself. My want of their affections pressured me into wanting to do well to get the grades. It is that selfish affection-whore sentiment in me that actually helped to evolve my current state of independence. My insistence that--"No, I'm not doing this for my parents, I'm doing it for me, for my future, to quench my incessant thirst for knowledge." Though rather admireable, I think at the time, I was just more of hiding my weakness, weakness that I had given into their pressure, not outwardly directly, but inside, in the back of my mind, it was always an truth I tried hard to deny. Up to college, I realized just now, my cowardice. I've played it cool, hoping everyone would grow jealous of my self-induced ambitions, but they were all rooted in the fact that I wanted my parents to love me. When I heard about public health, it was the only career to fit the bill--fit my desires to venture public sector social work in government, and fit my mom's desire for me to work in the medical field. Biology does fascinate me a great deal, but I honestly don't think the sciences as a whole is as big a draw for me, that it could have pulled me into medicine. I love philosophy & life, and social organization and I was a coward to have ented UCLA an undeclared Life Sciences major and almost have wanted to do MIMG. Surely, I am so fascinated by DNA and genetics...but I wonder if its for me. I'm not that good at it and I certainly want to be a useful person when I get older...So should I continue on that path and become a quasi-useful person, or veer into a new direction with the social sciences. I've decided to give LS a chance next quarter. If I like it, I'll stick. If not, I jump boat before it's too late.
Of course, I was talking about academics. Morality and behavior, I still am adamant that I was my own force in my beliefs. No. I guess not. Media is and I'm sorry for that. But I'll explain that another time.

Signed 6/1/08 3:23 pm @YRL


I don't know if I'll give LS a chance. I might drop Chem. And I'm seriously considering completely bowing out of BS-pursuing. That ironically makes sense both ways. Bye. By the way, in the beginning, I specifically mentioned Chinese family in America, because I do think it is harder to be Chinese in a non-Chinese country than in China, because of the social culture. Chinese parents need their children to succeed in respectable careers, so as to save face. I hate "saving face". It's the most superficial thing about Chinese culture. In every society, there are those at the bottom. In Chinese society, there are those at the bottom. In multicultural American society, there are those at the bottom, but Chinese are determined not to dwell among those at the bottom. I'm not saying failure is an option, but there is particular emphasis on being among those at the top. So much so that it gave me severe anxiety and sleeplessness just right now, even though I was exhausted during the day and hadn't slept. This is a part of my research. To examine the Chinese culture in ways that deters labor unionization.

I'm feeling so scared right now, and I really want to drop chem and focus my attention fully on pursuing and Anthro and Comm Studies BA with minors in Civic Engagement and Urban Planning. I am really excited to tell my mom that I am cutting loose from Science. It's not for me. And it took me all day of intense thinking today to find that out. I feel like I wasted a large portion of this year. But I'm going to look at it as fulfilling non-major reqs and indulging in a inquiry of interest in the sciences... Though I would have selected to enroll in LS rather than Chem to indulge my science-inquiring mind.

By the way

I am really excited for the matching blog post titles. It almost solidifies our sisterhood. Anyways, I'm very happy that your mom told you to do what you want. My dad tells us that. But my mom is totally different. She used to pressure me to be a doctor. She still kind of does from time to time, but I get really irritated when she does. I think I blogged about that time during Chinese New Years, when she told my cousin, "If you knew EE was going to be so hard, how come you chose to major in it?" She was being supportive when she said that.

And then that day I hung out with you during spring break, she derailed my decision to study Anthro, even though she doesn't know what Anthro is. I got really mad, and we were not speaking that whole night. I told her to stop telling me to be a pharmacist, doctor--whatever. And I said, "How can you say to my cousin that she should've chose something easier to study, but then turn around and tell me to do something I would hate! It would be so hard to study something I don't enjoy." If that makes any sense... Catch my drift?

But anyways, her opinion means a lot to me. And it hurts me a lot that she might not be proud of what I will become after college. But really, even though I love my mother so much, I feel that I don't care to follow her expectations at all most of the time. It's sad for me--that she doesn't like my clothes and she hates buying clothes for me (that I pick out, because she thinks it's ugly) and that she doesn't support my studies, but I feel like I have gotten used to just spurning her rejection. I means a tremendous lot to me if she supports me. But if she doesn't I'll still follow my own will. I will wear my ugly clothes, and I will study Anthro and Comm. I won't be happy she's not behind my decisions. But I'm doing it for me, I guess. She'll see.

If you want to sing out sing out

Kip, your blog was amazing.
I love how you pulled in the parallel of your dilemma with "Harold and Maude." That movie is so inspirational. Maude is my other hero, besides David Geffen. I guess Ms. Luu, because she does so much--and she's so tiny, so it doesn't look like she can do so much. Anyways, I've always had your current dilemma in the back of my mind. I remember last year, I was giving a CSF Academic Development Day (cheesy) seminar about AP success. I don't think I said anything useful throughout the entire thing. But my one message I left those freshmen with--the one thing I really wanted to impress upon them, was to get out that idea that they were striving for their grades because of their parents. I wanted them to realize that ultimately, what they can accomplish is for them. It will give their parents pride, and definitely, their parents had a hand in raising them to be AP kids, but what they achieve is a direct reflection of themselves. I'm very adamant about that.

But then sometimes, I also wonder if I practice what I preach. If my mom was not influencing me, I think I might have majored in history or art or something. But under her influence, those are subjects that I definitely enjoy, but I don't think that they have a practical use for what I'm trying to achieve. I like to keep those two as interests. So I came into UCLA hoping to major in Microbiology, Immunology and Molecular Genetics. I really don't know if I came to that decision on my own accord. I think when I made my decision, it was mostly because I believed I would try to become a doctor. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I know I initially fell in love with that major because of my passion for public health that grew from the movie "And the Band Played On." But perhaps the only reason I grew so interested in Public Health was because it satisfied my mom's requirement that it dealt with the Life Sciences. But the true reason I tended toward it was because of its dealing with social justice. And as I am growing wiser in these past 2 quarters, I am realizing. I am not a fricking South Campus sciences person as I am a North Campus humanities and liberal arts person. I love rationality, which science so admirably proves with experiments and whatnot, but studying humanities and social sciences is my real passion. My forte. That is one thing I would admit to being good at, because I love it so much. I can't say I'm good at math and science. Who would I be kidding? I admire the hard sciences because they are based in empiricism, which I love. But I am an analyst. I love the mind. I love ideas and philosophy. And I at times wonder if I am digging myself an abyss of a career--something I can never get out of, because I am making such an expensive commitment both in my South Campus studies and in my money. What if I venture into health sciences, but I can't get out of it, because that's what I earned my degree in?

So I think it is a compromise that I am now aiming for an Anthropology BS. I'm still in the life sciences, but I am also mainly in the social sciences. And then I hope to get a Communication Studies BA. And then very hopefully a minor in Urban and Regional Studies.

This is good I think. I'll have to work hard and I will probably complain, but it's doing things I love and it's ultimately going to make me happy when I get older. Having a background in those three fields will open up doors for all the careers I would be interested in pursuing.

I am proud that I have a best friend who has so much on her plate. Because really, Kip, I think that I was only even brave enough to consider this monster of a college career because I knew you were doing it too. Let's just do this together. We'll make everyone proud. :o)

angst & frustration

I am so emotional right now. I am getting really annoyed by my mom.

It started when stupid me brought up that I wanted to double major in Anthro and Communications. Then she, not knowing anything about education, tries for the millionth time to try to persuade me to be a doctor. I don't understand her silly doctor fetish. I am not going to be a doctor. I have no desire, no intention to be one. Drop it. She got me so mad. She thinks that the medical field is the only safe career that makes money. That puts even more pressure on me, that I have to get rich or die trying.

First of all, no one wants to come out of school and make little money. But her unhealthy obsession with making money puts so much pressure on me. I know I will never study something I don't want to study for her, because I know that I am going to college for me. I know that I'm studying for my own career. But it hurts that she doesn't support what I want to do, even though she has no idea what I want to do. She has never asked me straightly what my aspirations are. And when she does, I never go into full detail, because she always kills my passion by trying to slip in some persuasion, trying to get me to switch my path to medicine.

I guess I understand that she worries for my future. But, I will be the first to say, that I want to live a comfortable and upper-middle class life when I get older. I am determined not to have to worry about spending when I get older. And while she thinks that, at worst, I will make 2-3K a month, my idea is that, at worst, I will be stuck in a stupid job that I have no interest in. I know I want to work in social work, most likely in Public Health, and also in magazine publishing.

My mother needs to learn to let go. She needs to learn to understand that, by this stage in her children's lives, our futures are in our own hands. Lay off. I understand why she worries about my sister, but that's not for you to know. During Chinese New Year, my cousin cried because she wasn't able to finish her homework to submit. And my mom says "If you knew it was going to be this hard, why did you choose to study this major? You should have chosen something else." When I heard her say this, I knew I had something against her, if she ever tried to get me to study something against my own conviction. So today, I got my chance to use it against her. While she was chastising me, and degrading my choice areas of study, I shot back at her. She's the one teaching my cousin the lesson, that if studying e.e. was so impossible and difficult that she should cry, then she should have chosen another study. So I contested that I was in the same situation. If I studied medicine, it would be impossible. That is completely not what I want to study. I love hard sciences, and I love learning the reasoning behind Life, but my passion is in the social sciences. If I continued on the path I was headed, hard lab sciences, I would have cried & died, I think. She was being very hypocritical in her polarized evaluations of my cousin and of me.

After that little tiff, things were a little tense and awkward. Then my sister asked if I wanted to go to the California Science Center, and I said okay, before realizing it was $20. I've been before, so I didn't need to see it again, especially for $20. So I say, never mind, I'm not going. But my sister had asked for money for me & my brother to go. So my mom asks me how much money, and I say "I'm not going, I've already been there before." And she yells at me, and says, "Why are you going again if you've already been? You think it doesn't cost money?" Geez, I don't know if she heard the first thing I said, but I got so mad. Everybody in this family thinks that I am irresponsible with money. I hate that false reputation. I only spend money on what I believe is worth my while. So I yell back to her, that "I'M NOT GOING!" But she goes out to my sister and says, "Why did you ask her to go if she's already gone?"

I swear I wanted to explode at that point. I yell back outside, saying "I said I'm not going!" She says, "Then why do you need your friend to buy tickets?" And I said, "I'm going to help her ask my friend can get her cheaper tickets!"

Then and there, I wanted to scream. I couldn't believe her.

I've always had a good relationship with my mom. I just don't understand her reasoning sometimes. I really need to discuss with her. She hardly knows anything about careers in America. She knows the electrical wholesale business. And construction, perhaps. But otherwise, she is clueless. She thinks that only doctors make money. Bugs the 1134 out of me.

PS I hate most doctors. Most of them are in it for the money, rather than to "help their patients." I also hate most cops, because they are corrupt. But I hold genuine respect for most fire fighters, because they actually go out there to risk their lives to save people.

What happens when you have a blog

I'm supposed to be studying for my two upcoming finals. I'm instead surfing the net for gossip and wasting time. I'm too bad at studying.

But I am so glad that I have realized my actual academic passions and am now turning them into my goals. I'm really excited to get started on Anthro. Geez. I can't believe I almost flushed myself down the Microbio toilet. I don't think my mind was made for hard science as much as it was made for humanities. Though I admit I am fascinated by the way science explains how life works. I feel bad that now, all those people who I told that I was getting into Microbio, will now be misled into thinking that I will actually pursue a degree in that field.

So I mapped it out. I want to take Comm Studies BA & an Anthro BS. And minor in Urban & Regional Studies. I really want that. But according to the unit cap, I can't do that. So I'm going to have to petition. And in pursuing these goals, it means I have to load up on classes. I guess I'll try to take as many Anthro pre-reqs at ELAC or something. But I'm serious about this. I hope I achieve.

You and your constipation.

Career Test

I know it's stupid of me to ask a computerized quiz to tell me which careers are suitable for me, but I've been going through a career-identity crisis! But I got these results. Made me a little happy.

You are an Idealist, possible professions include - information-graphics designer, college professor, researcher, legal mediator, social worker, holistic health practitioner, occupational therapist, diversity manager, human resource development specialist, employment development specialist, minister/priest/rabbi, missionary (DELETE), psychologist, writer

But I fear that these such results came up only because they asked me to type in my career preference in the beginning.

I really want to be so many things and I don't know what to study! I want to be a journalist, a writer, a social worker, a public health official, a forensics scientist, a medical researcher, a teacher... I am so confused. I am scared that I am more of a humanities persona than I should be a life sciences person. I really hate the LS core curriculum. It's not giving me any immediate access to lab science. Perhaps, they are trying to weed us out. But really, I need to keep motivated. The core curriculum is not helping.